The Secret

This guy had a secret. He didnae tell anybody about this secret fir eight long years. It was the kind of secret ye wouldnae want anyone knowing about. Every night, before he went to bed, he had a shower. But it wisnae just any shower. It was a special shower.

Every night when he went for a wash in his special shower he found that he could make gold… that he had to pull oot his arsehole. The water had tae be nippy hot. No boiling. Jist nippy. And the magic would happen.

He told the auld guy who worked in Collins butchers. Couldnae keep it tae himself fir any longer.

“…Pure gold! No word of a lie.”

The auld guy leaned over. “Here, mate, dae ye fancy geeing me some ay that gold and I’ll swap ye fir yir weekly sausages n black pudding?”

“Nae bother. Nae bother at awe. Here, come tae ma gaff the night n I’ll gee ye some fresh.”

So later the auld guy went tae the guy’s house, a decent wee place near the chapel, and waited fir the miracle. The guy turned the shower tae nippy hot, ripped aff his clothes and stood under.

After a minute he let oot a wet fart. The stomach pains followed. Blood trickled oot his ears. It was cooking. He winked at the auld guy who was hovering beside the shower curtain and stuffed a hand right up his arse and pulled oot, yes you guessed it, a shite shaped piece of gold. It clunked on the floor followed by red arse blood water.

Wow. Lost fir words was the auld guy. Lost fir words.

‘Sweet baby Jesus it’s a miracle,’ the auld guy mouthed.

The guy was suddenly awash wae panic, thinking the auld guy was going tae tell everybody and sure enough he would – it was written awe over his big face. Then the government would have him chained up under nippy hot water day and night, shiteing out gold fir them tae keep the economy afloat.

He picked up that shite-shaped nugget and fucked the auld guy on the head wae it. Sadly he would have tae skip tonight’s re-run of Take the High Road and dig a grave fir the auld guy in the garden. He tucked the gold into the guy’s hand and closed it over fir a beautiful parting gift he could take tae the next world.

A shame he had to die, yes but this was a secret he would never tell again. No one could ever know.

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