Mr Heart a Gold

There was this guy called Tam who fell in love at first sight. Aww. The tiny wee problem was that the object of Tam’s desires had died the week before wae a fatal case of leaky scrotum.

He had found his one true love browsing the sexy obituaries section in the paper on his way tae the Cumbernauld job centre.

“Who’s this wee darlin?”

After a bit of investigating, he discovered his future wife was a 74-year-old Moodiesburn taxi driver called Big Dave who was recently sent tae rest in Bedlay Cemetery – awaiting a Prince Charming nae doubt. As soon as Tam cashed his giro he dug Big Dave up and carried his love home tae his wee flat across fae Chryston Cafe. Big Dave looked beautiful. A bit bloated and pale, wae honking gases seeping oot, but beautiful awe the same.

Tam saw the real beauty shining out, the beauty only a good and decent man could see. He wasn’t jist a good man. You see, he was a great man.

“A heart a gold,” Mrs Diamond his primary 1 teacher had said about Tam. “Heart a gold.”

Tam carefully undressed them both and planted a magical kiss on his princess. And what a night that was. Wow. Tam asked Big Dave tae marry him the next morning and the look on that gorgeous face said yes!

They married that very afternoon and lived happily ever after fir almost a month until Tam’s cunt of a neighbour complained about the dead body smell coming fae upstairs, which was utter bullshit coz he sprayed Fabreeze awe over the place, and no jist the once! The star crossed lovers wir torn apart.

Big Dave went back tae sleep in Bedlay and poor Tam was sent tae Barlinnie fir life. Fir whit? Falling in love? Peados and murderers and thieves and bankers and protestants and terrorists get no as much as a slap on the wrist fae the Muirhead justice department but poor Tam gets life fir falling in love? Jesus! A fucking disgrace so it was.

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