A Sad Vampire

There was this vampire and he was awe sad n stuff. He was sitting on a bench in the Moor Park. It was a cold January afternoon n he was next tae the swings, minding his ain business, having a wank.

“Here you, put that away or al call the polis!” said a passing mother wae two impressionable weans.

The sad vampire, highly embarassed by the situation as ye kin imagine, nodded and tucked his auld boaby back under his black robe. Now he was ever sadder. It was heartbreaking how sad he was.

He wandered over tae the Co-op and bought a bottle a bucky. He sat on the steps in front ae the cash machine, wipped oot his boabie again and burst intae tears.

“Whit’s the matter, chum?” said a half-eaten packet a Monster Munch.

The vampire poured a gulp ae delicious buckfast with his left hand and tickled his boaby with the right n shrugged.

“Ye wouldnae understand.”

“Try me,” said that half-eaten packet a Monster Munch. “Ave seen a lot in ma days. More than you’d expect fae a wee packet a crisps.”

“Well…it’s jist that am awe alone. Nabdy wants tae be ma friend.”

“Ah – but a dae!”


“Really. Al be the best friend you’ll ever need.”

The vampire smiled and wiped back his tears.

“Now, put that boaby away n help me aff the ground. A escaped fae the bin and a don’t want tae go back, chum.”

“You got it, best friend forever.”

Sadly before the vampire could pick up his new bff, it blew away in a sudden gust a wind. Right up intae the sky. Perhaps even right intae heaven!

Well, the sad vampire was heartbroken beyond words. He was soon arrested fir indecent exposure ootside that ‘Jesus Loves You’ sign and unsuprisingly hung himself later that week behind Soaves.

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